Solving different problems. Before proceeding too far into a difficult conversation, make sure you and the other person are not on different train tracks. Even subtle differences in how you each name the problem you think you’re solving together can lead to a more convoluted and frustrating discussion. Get joint clarity up front.

Being too committed to positional goals. If you’re telling yourself that your goal in a difficult conversation is to "get her to" or "make him" or "convince her that..." or anything of a similar ilk, you’re setting yourself up for a defensive exchange because you’re essentially naming your solution as part of your goal. And if your solution worked for the other person, you probably wouldn’t still be in dispute. Reconsider your goals and look for ones you can both agree to try reaching.

Listening with your answer running. Most people can’t fully listen to and absorb what another is communicating while concurrently planning their response or looking for a place to jump in. Listening with your answer running results in an internally focused conversation that prevents you from truly hearing and understanding. Let go of planning your response and you may be surprised by what you learn.

Moving too quickly to problem-solving. Good problem solving involves first having a thorough and complex enough understanding of the problem to be able to identify the most effective solutions. Instead of 20% of time spent on understanding and 80% on problem-solving, try flipping these percentages. In important conflicts, time spent on the front end usually saves time in the long run.

Forging ahead when you’re emotionally hijacked. When you're triggered by a perceived threat, such as by another's actions or words, your brain’s amygdala, which is like an emotional tripwire, primes you for impulsive reaction and your prefrontal cortex dampers such reactions to allow a more thoughtful response. But, in "emotional emergencies," such as in conflict, your rational mind can get swamped by your emotional one. Emotional hijackings need effective interruptions to prevent further swamping that will likely yield unhelpful reactions. Continuing a difficult conversation when you’re emotionally hijacked is like continuing to row far from shore while your boat fills with water.

Copyright © 2005 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.

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Visit www.lenski.com for more tips and resources on talking things out in the work and home relationships that matter most. Get your free copy of Talking It Out in Ten, a worksheet and guide to help you think and prepare for your difficult conversation, by visiting www.lenski.com and clicking on Free Guide. You'll also receive Tammy's monthly newsletter and be entered automatically into a bi-monthly drawing for coaching and consulting time with Tammy. Dr. Tammy Lenski is the author of I Can't Say That!, a popular blog read by women all over the world. A professional mediator, conflict management coach and educator, Tammy works personally with women who want to keep their balance in conflict and step up to the conversations that really matter.

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