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Don't Quarrel, Work Out Your Conflict Styles
By Ron Kraybill
Your conflict management style is your particular way of responding to conflict with others. Life experience causes all of us to acquire preferences and habits of how to respond to conflict and we tend to use these over and over again. This is is your conflict management style.
What you should know about conflict management styles.
1. You function better if you know what your preferred styles are. When you don't know your preferences clearly, you run on autopilot and react blindly. If you know your preferences, you can more easily make good, conscious choices. For example, if you know your tendency is to avoid conflict, you will be better able to decide whether avoiding is really the most useful response the next time you get in a conflict.
2. You can dramatically improve your ability to deal with differences constructively in any relationship if you openly discuss your conflict style management style preferences with others. When people know and understand each other's style, they are less reactive. They are more likely to be patient with each other's responses.
Having such a discussion is almost always a positive experience. There is nothing difficult about saying, "These are my preferred styles of dealing with differences." Most people find such a conversation encouraging, enlightening, and enjoyable. People who live or work together benefit greatly from having such a discussion. Choose a time and place when you are relaxed and not in the middle of a fight.
3. There are five basic styles of dealing with conflict:
- Directing (highly assertive and not concerned about relationships). "Here is what we are going to do (my way, of course)...."
- Harmonizing (very concerned with relationships and not assertive). "Whatever you say is fine with me (I just want to keep you happy)....
- Avoiding (neither assertive nor concerned with relationships). "I'd rather not talk about it right now (better to do nothing than have a disagreement)..."
- Cooperating (assertive but also concerned with the relationship). "Here is how I'd like to do it, but I'd also like to hear what you think we should do (If we just state our differences openly, I'm sure we can figure out a way to keep us both happy)...."
- Compromising (medium assertive and medium concern for relationship). "I'll back off a bit from what I'd prefer if you'll back off some too (Nobody should expect to get everything they want)...."
4. There is no right and wrong style. Each conflict management style has its own strengths and weaknesses.
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Northern Cincinnati tourism group ends ’08 on high noteWith a month left in 2008, the Northern Cincinnati Convention & Visitors Bureau is looking to post its best results ever. Cincinnati unemployment below statewide levelGreater Cincinnati’s jobless rate topped 6 percent in October, but that was below the statewide average and equal to the national rate, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Toyota sees 34% drop in U.S. salesToyota Motor Corp.’s U.S. sales in November dropped by more than one-third year over year, the automaker said Tuesday. (TM) Convergys wins FDIC customer service subcontractConvergys Corp. has won a five-year agreement to help the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. deal with a flood of calls from citizens concerned about their bank accounts. (CVG) Local stocks bounce back after Monday's debacleGreater Cincinnati stocks rallied Tuesday morning after Monday’s plunge. (GE) (AKS) (ASH) (CVG) (BGC) (M) (AFG) (CQB) (CBB) Ford lays out plan to profitabilityFord Motor Co. is telling Congress it expects to turn at least break even in two years under a business plan that seeks, if necessary, $9 billion in bridge financing from the federal government. (F) Cincinnati CFOs: More hires than fires plannedChief financial officers in Cincinnati area are still hiring, although job cuts are also up, according to the latest Robert Half International Financial Hiring Index. (RHI) N. Ky. builders group elects Bogenschutz presidentPaul Bogenschutz will serve as 2009 president of the Home Builders Association of Northern Kentucky, the organization said Monday. Center for Closing the Health Gap wins $225K grantThe Center for Closing the Health Gap will use a $225,000 grant from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation to promote healthy eating in Cincinnati’s Avondale neighborhood, the group said Tuesday. Delta to cut capacity, jobsDelta Air Lines Inc. will trim its capacity by up to 8 percent in 2009 and suggested more jobs cuts are on the way due to the global economic slowdown and softening traffic. (DAL) (NWA)
The goal is simply to know these and then choose the right style for the situation you are in. 5. You can bring out the best in other people if you know the preferences that are associated with each conflict management style. For example, a preference to always begin with connecting as persons before settling down to serious business is usually strong in people who prefer Harmonzing. A preference to think things through carefully is common among people who prefer Avoiding. Therefore it is important not to demand instant answers from an Avoider. You can easily learn these preferences and this knowledge will help you a lot in bringing out the best in the people around you. For several decades human relations trainers and teachers of conflict resolution skills have used conflict management style inventories to help people get a clear sense of their own preferences. Two of the most widely used are the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and Style Matters. How to Use Conflict Styles in Working with Other People If you understand conflict management styles, you can often immediately sense what another person will need to feel comfortable. Below are sample "hot tips", excerpted from Style Matters: How to bring out the best in someone who prefers the Directing conflict management style - People who prefer the Directing style are task oriented. They are often highly productive and concerned to get the job done. They are good crisis managers and want results. Engage them and let them know you are committed to getting the job done or resolving the issue satisfactorily. - If you need time to think things through, Directors are usually fine if you ask for this, so long as you indicate your commitment to returning to resolve things. You will get a more positive response if you state clearly when you will come back (e.g., in an hour, or tomorrow at nine o'clock, etc). How to bring out the best in someone who prefers Avoiding - More than any other style, Avoiders benefit from an offer to give them time and/or space to withdraw and think things through. You are more likely to get a "yes" answer on anything you need from them if you use a "two-step" approach. First, let the Avoider know you want something from them and you'd like them to think about this. Then return later - an hour, a day, a week - and hear their response. - Stay low-key. The more intense or demanding you are, the more likely the Avoider will go into deeper withdrawal. How to bring out the best in someone who prefers Harmonizing - Harmonizers want to please and be pleased. Pay attention to small social niceties. More than other styles, Harmonizers are positively affected by gestures of thoughtfulness - a kind note, an appreciative comment, a card, flowers, a chocolate bar, etc. - You will get more cooperativeness in doing serious work with Harmonizers if you use a two-step approach. First, connect with them as human beings. Ask how they are doing, inquire about a family member, tease a little, thank them for something, etc. Then, and only then, settle down to business. The human connection always comes before work for Harmonizers - an insight that may be especially difficult for task-oriented Directors to remember. - Stay light. Seriousness or heaviness quickly stirs anxiety in Harmonizers and makes it hard for them to function well. Use humor. Appreciate their good qualities out loud. Copyright Ron Kraybill 2006. Article Directory: http://www.articlecube.com Ron Kraybill, Ph.D., has taught conflict resolution skills in the US and Canada, Africa, Europe, and Asia for twenty five years. For more hot tips and a comparison of two widely-used low-cost conflict style inventories,"Style Matters" and "The Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument" go to www.RiverhouseEpress.com
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