What is your view on this piece of writing?

my lil bro (13) just wrote this and wants some opinions.
My lil bro: This is just the first part of a mystery called anguishing skies, its about corruption in the news buisness and kidnapping. and of course theres a detective

While i see the potential for it to be a good piece of writing, there is much needed work. For instance: The following sentences are not sentances. They are considered what english teachers call "Fragment Sentences". In other words, the idea just drops off without a conclusion. Using the word "just" in the first sentence isn’t necessary, inless this sentence is not a first sentence as is actually part of a descriptive paragraph and while telling people what the book or writing is about, it is necessary to form whole paragraphs. For instance: Use 4 sentences to describe the first sentence which should be your main point in the paragraph. Also, there is room for grammer and punctuation correction.

Keep in mind, that i have given you the outlook based on a teacher’s perspective.

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4 Responses to “What is your view on this piece of writing?”

  1. ♣Read, Read,Read!® on February 24th, 2010 at 11:34 pm

    I think it’s okay but some grammar issues.
    References :

  2. Rosie ♥ Just Me on February 25th, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Hmm … it’s very nice! It sure does "capture" some suspense!
    References :
    http://astrarose.wordpress.com/

  3. well..he’d need to fix the grammar and is it for school ? I’d fix it to: This is just the first part of a mystery called Anguishing Skies. It’s about corruption in the news business and kidnapping, and of course, it involves a detective.

    The writing itself is good!!
    References :

  4. porthardygurl DUE aug27th w #1 on February 25th, 2010 at 12:53 am

    While i see the potential for it to be a good piece of writing, there is much needed work. For instance: The following sentences are not sentances. They are considered what english teachers call "Fragment Sentences". In other words, the idea just drops off without a conclusion. Using the word "just" in the first sentence isn’t necessary, inless this sentence is not a first sentence as is actually part of a descriptive paragraph and while telling people what the book or writing is about, it is necessary to form whole paragraphs. For instance: Use 4 sentences to describe the first sentence which should be your main point in the paragraph. Also, there is room for grammer and punctuation correction.

    Keep in mind, that i have given you the outlook based on a teacher’s perspective.
    References :

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